My humps

For those of you who may have been momentarily excited by the title of this post, I'm sorry to disappoint you but it's not anything to do with what Fergie illustriously refers to as Lady Lumps. I apologise for any interest caused.

For the last two weeks or so, I've had a strange hump/lump on my forearm, just above my elbow. How and why this mystery blemish originated is beyond me. It was simply the case that I woke up one morning, lo and behold, I was lumpy of arm. Now, I know most people out there will be thinking that the protusion on my arm is the result of a drunken bump into something but seeing as the lump emerged mid-week, is solid and has no bruising, I've pretty much ruled out this potential source of lumpiness.

I've also noticed that the lump fluctuates in size. Some days, it'll be tiny, barely discernable. The next, it will be a raging pink and demanding attention, often after I've spent sizable hours leaning on it at work. It's understandable - I'd be pink and angry if someone spent 8 hours leaning on me too. The weird thing is though, it's not tender, its not purple and the fact that it comes and goes as it pleases fascinates me to no end. I spend countless moments throughout the day examining, poking and prodding it - at least if it hurt under duress, I could justify it's presence but the fact that it seems completely indifferent to any pain inflicted is slightly alarming. I know that in today's digital age, I should be sharing photos at multiple angles of the lump but due to it's difficult position and the fact that my camera is pretty rubbish, I shall have to leave it to your imaginations until a later date.

So far, only one lump, right? Not quite. To match it, I also have a lump in my ear but I have a feeling that you've probably stomached all of the lump news you can today and on that note, I will end our lesson is adulescent swellings. To make up for it, please enjoy Alanis Morrissette's brilliant piss-take of Fergie's dancefloor classic, as mentioned earlier.