Where to start?

I know that I've been away for a long time and a lot has happened in that time that I should blog about. And perhaps the biggest story of that time has been the passing of Michael Jackson. Tonight, as I got home I sat down to watch the huge memorial to a man who hasn't left the front pages of every magazine, newspaper and website in the last 12 days. I found myself becoming quite emotional at all of the tributes but it wasn't until the end, when his daughter took the microphone.

Bearing in mind that this is a child whose father took every pain to keep his kids out of the spotlight and away from the papparazzi at every opportunity, for her to suddenly speak in front of the hundreds of millions (possibly even billions) around the world who were watching was incredibly brave. As she voiced her love for the 'greatest daddy in the world', my heart broke.

For all of the dredging up of stories, dodgy jokes and endless speculation of debts and mysterious doctors that have been sensationally splashed in every form of media, it was easy to forget that in this chaos there lies a very real story of three children whose collective world has been turned upside down. Although no doubt, there are already many videos out there of the moment floating on youtube, I've chosen not to look for any or indeed include links to it. That poor little girl's devastation was heartbreaking enough the first time.

I don't really know where I'm going with this post and my boyfriend thinks I'm an emotional freak but I felt I had to write something. I guess something like this acts as a reality check on our own mortality.

I'll be back soon enough to fill in the blanks of stories from the last few weeks soon enough. Until then, tell someone you love them.

Easter ills.

Just when I thought I was hopping back on the blogging band wagon, I've gone and caught the boyfriend's flu and lost all hearing in my right ear, as happened some weeks ago. This has therefore relegated me to bed for the majority of the bank holiday weekend and means that I've spent most of the four day weekend unable to stare at my computer screen as it makes me feel even worse and ergo, undone all of my blogging intentions.

Of course, now that it's Monday night and I have work tomorrow, I'll wake up at 8am and feel fine. Great. And before you say it must be so nice to spend the time lying in bed, I do not call scraping all of the skin off the tip of my nose, having watery eyes and constant sneezing/sweating/general grossness relaxing.

Humph.

Best phishing email. EVER.

From my junk mail filter this evening...

NOITIFICATION‏
From: FBI (fbgvous1@poczta.onet.eu)
Sent: 23 March 2009 13:27:40
To:

ANTI-TERRORIST AND MONEY LAUNDRY CRIMES DIVISION
FBI HEADQUARTERS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
J. EDGAR HOOVER BUILDING
935 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
NW WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535-0001 Website: www.fbi.gov

HAVE A NICE DAY,

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL ADVICE FROM THE FBI, FOREIGN REMITTANCE/TELEGRAPHIC DEPT. (FRTD), IT HAS COME TO OUR NOTICE THAT THE ADB (AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK) AND C.B.N (CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA) AFRICA HAS RELEASED YOUR PART OF INHERITANCE/CONTRACT PAYMENT OF 10,500,000.00 U.S DOLLARS INTO FIRST UNION CORP BANK/MORTGAGE IN YOUR NAME AS THE BENEFICIARY.

THE BANK IN AFRICA KNOWING FULLY WELL THAT THEY DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH FACILITIES TO EFFECT THIS PAYMENT FROM EUROPE TO YOUR ACCOUNT, USED WHAT WE KNOW AS A SECRET DIPLOMATIC TRANSIT PAYMENT S.T.D.P TO PAY THIS FUND THROUGH WIRE TRANSFER. THEY ARE STILL WAITING FOR FINAL CONFIRMATION FROM YOU ON THE ALREADY TRANSFERRED FUNDS, TO ENABLE THEM CREDITING INTO YOUR ACCOUNT ACCORDINGLY. SECRET DIPLOMATIC TRANSFER PAYMENT ARE NORMALLY FUNDS RELATED TO DRUG/TERRORIST AND MONEY LAUNDRY SYSTEM OF PAYMENT, WHY MUST YOUR PAYMENT BE MADE IN SUCH SECRET TRANSFER , IF YOUR TRANSACTION IS LEGITIMATE AND NOT RELATED TO DRUG/TERRORIST AND MONEY LAUNDRY, WHY CAN'T THE BANK IN AFRICA VIA EUROPE EFFECT DIRECT TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT THAN SECRET DIPLOMATIC PAYMENT TRANSFER.

DUE TO THE INCREASED DIFFICULTIES AND UNNECESSARY SCRUTINY BY THE AMERICAN AUTHORITIES WHEN FUNDS COME FROM THROUGH SUCH PAYMENT PROCESS FROM EUROPE, AFRICA AND MIDDLE EAST, BASED ON THE RECORDS WE HAD IN THE PAST ALWAYS IDENTIFIED SUCH METHOD OF PAYMENT AS DRUG/ TERRORIST/MONEY LAUNDRY FUNDS, TO AVOID PROBLEM WITH THE US GOVERNMENT AS SOON AS THESE FUNDS REFLECT IN YOUR ACCOUNT IN THE U.S.A, IT IS OUR MANDATORY OBLIGATIONS TO ASCERTAIN THE DOCUMENTATION AND CERTIFICATION OF THIS FUNDS BEFORE THE FINAL CREDITING INTO YOUR ACCOUNT.

WE ADVICE YOU CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY, AS THE FUNDS HAVE BEEN STOPPED AND HELD IN OUR CUSTODY PENDING WHEN YOU WERE ABLE TO PROVIDE US WITH A DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY SEAL OF TRANSFER (DIST) WITHIN 3 DAYS FROM THE UNITED NATION INTERNATIONAL FUND MONITORY UNIT (UNIFMU) THAT AUTHORIZE THE TRANSFER AND CERTIFIED THAT THE FUNDS ORIGINATED FROM AFRICA AND MIDDLE EAST IS FREE FROM TERRORIST/DRUG AND MONEY LAUNDRY OR WE SHALL CONFISCATE THE FUND. WE WILL ALLOW THE FUNDS TO BE RELEASE INTO YOUR ACCOUNT IMMEDIATELY YOU MAKE PROVISION THE REQUIRED DOCUMENT.

YOU WILL BE DIRECTED WHERE AND HOW TO GET THE DOCUMENT IF IT IS NOT IN YOUR POSSESSION. THANKING YOU FOR YOUR TIME,

FBI DIRECTOR
ROBERT S. MUELLER III

Every time I read it, I hear the Fonejacker's voice.

Hopping on the band wagon

Since we'll all agree that I've been pretty crap at updating, I've left all integrity/dignity/what ever you want to call it behind and hopped on the twitter bandwagon. Click here to join the adulescent twitter cult.

My new love

Remember the bag I fell in love with? Well, two weeks ago in my desperate quest for one, I started scheming about how to get my hands on one. First, I called the PR to see if there was any way I could get one. That turned out to be a dead end so I was back to square one and so, I did what any handbag-lust crazed girl does and turned to Ebay.

Someone, somewhere must really like me because lo and behold, within twenty minutes of scouting out the UK and US sites, I found one in California. The opening price was $400 and there was a buy it now of $550. Jumping up and down, I made my boyfriend email the woman right there and then (I love ebay but have no account of my own for precisely the dangerous temptation it would bring). I will spare you the long winded story but needless to say, I won and the bag finally arrived on Thursday, just in time for my trip to Berlin as you can see from the ode to Susie Bubble photo above, taken in my mum's amazing apartment.

'09 and feelin' fine.

It's been a while since I last blogged, sometime back in mid-December. It's not that I haven't wanted to blog or not had anything to blog about, it's just that I couldn't find whatever is in me that makes me blog for a while. And I really needed to clean my room before my boyfriend dumped me among the piles of clothes.

But rest assured, I shall be back to it very soon, armed with news, pictures and anecdotes. In the meanime, go check out a couple of these blogs instead:

- The Things Laura Likes - does what it says on the tin. Lots of clothes. LOTS.

- Wanderful - A boy, a girl and a chihuahua named Mister travel round America in a Tab.

- Daddy Likey - Winona writes hiaku about chlymidia, shoes and everything in inbetween.

oh yeah and lest I forget, Happy New Year!

Oh. My. God.

I usually try to steer clear of ebay, in order not to stray into the path of temptation and things like this are exactly why:




It ends in less than 2 hours and is an absolute steal (currently) at $400. I'm telling myself that even if I bought it, I would probably manage to blow the electrics and that's why I can't buy it.

Sigh.

Mmm...

I love beef jerky almost a little too much, so imagine my delight when I came across a veritable WALL of it in the local supermarket yesterday. Mmm, tasty...

Friday wish list

Oooh it's Friday and I don't want to do any more work, so let's go for a little internet shopping, shall we? There's so many things I want, need and must have. Here are but a few:

First up, I WANT these awesome pillow covers from Urban Outfitters:



Then, obviously I NEED a new pair of jeans, following crotch gate so I'll buy these from Topshop.

And then, when I fly to Berlin in a few weeks, I clearly MUST HAVE new roll-on case and what's a little Chanel between me and my overdraft?:



Available at bluefly.com for the bargain price of $3836USD (RRP $4795). In that case, I'll take two.

Annoyed face

A few weeks ago, I noticed that my two favourite pairs of skinny jeans that I virtually live in had begun to split at the seams. Considering that I alternated between these two pairs day in, day out for almost four years, they've done pretty well. One pair is blue and one is grey. The blue were simply wearing through but the greys (the oldest of the two) were starting to split along a seam but being the resourceful soul that I am, I grabbed a needle and thread and with a bit of effort, managed to stitch them up enough that you wouldn't know.

At the beginning of the week, I reluctantly had to put them in the washing machine after I dropped balsamic vinegar down one leg. I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that I am not gross, I was merely concerned in regard to their fragile state.

Sure enough, last night as I peeled them off after another day of wear, I noticed that although my handy work had held up, two new holes had emerged in the fabric and they're not the kind that can easily be stitched as they're not on the seam. I'm going to need to do some serious mending if I want to wear them again without flashing my pants to all and sundry.

Most annoyingly, Topshop, where both pairs are from, tweak the cut and style every season so they're never the same. I tried some on the other week as a just in case measure to no joy. So now, I begin the lengthy journey of once again trying to find jeans I love and as any woman will attest, this is no easy task.

ARGH.

The Love Bus

Remember how the other day I said I was having a spendaholic moment? Well, now something even cooler (and more expensive) has come to my attention. The Union Jack bus from the Spice Girls' movie is up for sale on ebay.



I'm not a huge Spice Girls fan but imagine driving round London in a Union Jack bus. Now, that's a statement. And look, it's parked nose to nose with the Kate Moss Rimmel bus:



Thankfully, my overdraft won't stretch to £3,500 or else I would totally be on that and probably bankrupt several times over.

Boot lust

I think I have shopping on the brain. Despite my current financial situation being absolutely dire following last weekend’s blow out spending spree, I continue to lust after these beautiful Frye boots.



If anyone in the UK knows where I can buy them, please drop me an email and I’ll send you something fabulous in return for this crucial information. Believe me, I’ve pretty much exhausted every route and I think if I email their PR one more time, I may be blacklisted.

I love them, I want them, I NEED them in my life.

Boo-urns

I'm a little bummed out this evening. On my way home from work, I took a little detour to go and mooch around Topshop. I'd seen an awesome black boy cut fully sequinned blazer in the vintage section on Thursday but as I was lacking in debit card following Walletgate, I couldn't buy it there and then.

All weekend, I tried to put it out of my mind, while some little voice in the back of said mind screamed 'You must have it. MUST!'

Armed with the resolve of if I can't get it out of my mind, I have to have it, I trotted down to the vintage section and you guessed it, it was gone. I'm not really surprised, it was an awesome jacket. And I suppose I kinda ruined that whole story by admitting that I was bummed out at the very beginning. I wouldn't have been bummed out if I had that blazer; I probably would've started with I bought the most amazing blazer today but no.

Ah blazer, perhaps it wasn't meant to be. Which is a real shame because you would've slotted into my wardrobe so perfectly. Sad face.

And now my second disappointment. I bought some Tarmasalata from the local supermarket last night and thought hmm, I'll have a little snack since its 11pm, I'm bummed about the blazer and I didn't eat dinner. Diligently, I chopped my carrots and a side of some good mozzarella, got a big dollop of the dip and went to settle myself in front of Law & Order. But it's salty. Really, really salty. And not good salty, gross salty.

So, now I sit here, bummed out - no awesome jacket and no good tarmasalata.

Tomorrow owes me.

Uh, guys?

Does anyone else find the new Orangina advert creepily over-sexed? Now, I'm no prude by any means but seeing jungle animals in bikinis twirling round stripper poles and a lap dancing Octopus doesn't make me thirsty and it certainly doesn't make me think hmm, I must buy Orangina next time. And I quite like Orangina.

Judge for yourselves:



Happy Friday!

My humps

For those of you who may have been momentarily excited by the title of this post, I'm sorry to disappoint you but it's not anything to do with what Fergie illustriously refers to as Lady Lumps. I apologise for any interest caused.

For the last two weeks or so, I've had a strange hump/lump on my forearm, just above my elbow. How and why this mystery blemish originated is beyond me. It was simply the case that I woke up one morning, lo and behold, I was lumpy of arm. Now, I know most people out there will be thinking that the protusion on my arm is the result of a drunken bump into something but seeing as the lump emerged mid-week, is solid and has no bruising, I've pretty much ruled out this potential source of lumpiness.

I've also noticed that the lump fluctuates in size. Some days, it'll be tiny, barely discernable. The next, it will be a raging pink and demanding attention, often after I've spent sizable hours leaning on it at work. It's understandable - I'd be pink and angry if someone spent 8 hours leaning on me too. The weird thing is though, it's not tender, its not purple and the fact that it comes and goes as it pleases fascinates me to no end. I spend countless moments throughout the day examining, poking and prodding it - at least if it hurt under duress, I could justify it's presence but the fact that it seems completely indifferent to any pain inflicted is slightly alarming. I know that in today's digital age, I should be sharing photos at multiple angles of the lump but due to it's difficult position and the fact that my camera is pretty rubbish, I shall have to leave it to your imaginations until a later date.

So far, only one lump, right? Not quite. To match it, I also have a lump in my ear but I have a feeling that you've probably stomached all of the lump news you can today and on that note, I will end our lesson is adulescent swellings. To make up for it, please enjoy Alanis Morrissette's brilliant piss-take of Fergie's dancefloor classic, as mentioned earlier.

What not to do in publishing

I am a pedant for the english language. I can't help it. Seeing punctuation and grammar being abused or words - especially the simple ones - misspelt through sheer laziness really winds me up. You can therefore probably imagine that I spend a lot of my online time in a state of frustration when I see text speak on myspace or facebooks. Really, there is no need. Even those too lazy to bother learning now have access to spellchecks on pretty much every computer so they really have no excuse left.

While I understand that the internet is no place to play Language Police, you would think that maybe, just maybe online magazines would be of a higher standard than your average 14 year old's myspace written in StIcKy CaPs. The knowledge that you are a legitimate publication would surely push you to check your vitals before you hit publish? Apparently not.

A new magazine, Flirt is now firmly at the top of my Most Wanted for Abuse of the English Language. Apart from attempting to be an even lower rent mens' mag than Nuts or Zoo (yes, it is possible), it has more appalling spelling, grammar and punctuation errors than a illiterate 10 year old's essay. I was pointed in it's direction after a topic on Digital Spy and could not quite believe the sloppy work. Note to it's editor: You are only highlighting your crappy content (Billi from Big Brother? Oh Dear) with your inability to string a sentence together coherently.

I know some of you out there will think me bitchy and decry me for slagging off what is essentially still a new magazine that is unsteady on it's feet and still looking for better content. Well, if a magazine starts out poorly, how will it keep its' readers and maybe gain some, adding better advertisers and start generating money if it's editor cannot even write properly? In short, it won't. Instead, it will die a slow and pitiful death, losing someone along the way a lot of money and another losing their dream.

Holy grail of the soap addict

When it comes to soaps, I get very excitable. As returning readers will know, one of my biggest gripes about entering the working world is missing out on Neighbours. When the news came out that Five would be buying the show from the BBC, I was high on rumours that there would be an omnibus. Try as I might, I couldn't find any confirmation about it and resigned myself to the fact that there would be no change, other than the channel number and addition of commercial.

Imagine my delight, when channel surfing I came across the holy grail, THE OMNIBUS! I almost fell off the bed with joy, much to the amusement of my boyfriend. For the first time in almost two years, I got to watch several chronological episodes without the inconvenience of being riddled with flu.

See? I told you, Neighbours is like crack and I've fallen off the wagon in spectacular style. Bang go my saturday afternoons unless I can figure out my ancient VCR or suddenly afford Sky+. And we all know that neither of those are going to happen any time soon.

Tales from the kitchen

The other night, panicking and trying to find the Garam Masala powder as I cooked a curry, I came across some interesting things in my kitchen. Well, not really interesting per say, more weird and slightly gross.

First up, the siamese triplet grape:



Digging through the spice draw, I came across several things that had gone off. This is a fairly typical in our household. Once every two years or so we purge a different cupboard or set of drawers in the kitchen, propelled by one of my mother's manic cleaning episodes. This wasn't an organised purge; more one brought of necessity as I desperately needed to season the curry. As I tossed items out of the drawer in search of the one I wanted, I came across two very old tins of curry powder, as you'll be able to see in the photos below:



Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, they really are dated May 1996 and October 1995.



Worrying, no? However, once all of the items had been photographed and archived for your viewing pleasure, you will be happy to know that they were all destroyed; the spices went in the bin and the grape was eaten. While it was triple the size of a standard grape, it was disappointingly not tripley tasty. Alas.

Million Dollar Woman

Tonight, in command of the laptop and slightly bored, I decided to check out HumanForSale.com which was featured in tonight's London Lite.


HumanForSale.com - Free Survey

Turns out, I'm worth $1,891,088 or for my fellow Brits, £949,865.14. I think it sounds better in dollars, as long as you pretend to forget the current exchange rates.

Hell hath no fury...

So, you may've noticed that I skirted around one of the biggest news topics last week, the death of Heath Ledger. One reason I won't be speculating on what happened is that I think that the incident and Ledger's life have been dissected, gossiped about and whipped up into a frenzy of tabloid breast-beating. I therefore, will not be heaping my thoughts on the matter onto the mountain of opinion already out there, except to say that it's very sad.

One of the stories to piggyback off Ledger's passing is, of course, the rearing of the Westboro Baptist church movement, Godhatesfags.com*, who intended to picket his funeral in order to gain a little more notoriety. WBC are those charming individuals who have previously been known to picket military funerals of US Soldiers who have served in Iraq and Afgahnistain, as seen on Louis Theroux's great documentary. They believe that events such as the war, 9/11 and the London Tube bombings are punishments festooned upon the world for the acceptance of homosexuality by a vengeful God. Ergo, Ledger's family deserve to have their goodbyes tainted by some inbred morons because he played a gay cowboy. I've uploaded their press release below (originally posted on HolyMoly!:



As you can see, their number is clearly printed at the top of the image. Whilst I should probably not endorse crank calling, I'm not saying don't. The number may've already been disconnected but it's still worth a shot. And in case for any reason you can't read it, it's 785-273-0325. Holler at a redneck, y'all!

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* - I have deliberately not given this site a link. I must concede that in writing about this topic, I am on some small level giving publicity to those who I abhore for their stupidity and small-mindedness. But I will not make it any easier for someone to click through to their site.